Chronic pain, Trauma and parenting through it all
What Parenting Looks Like While In Pain
Most mornings, my body is not ready to start the day. My whole body hurts, I am stiff and it can be hard to even put one foot in front of the other. But that doesn’t matter when you have two toddlers. They need breakfast, they need clean clothes and the pain I was in yesterday is still there when I wake up. I do not have a daycare drop off or someone to pick up my daughters for a few hours. All I honestly have is the tv. Do I like using the tv? No, do I sometimes turn it on so I can shower and cook a healthy breakfast? Yes.
I adore my children while also living with chronic pain, the effects of trauma and too little help. I am planning to homeschool and I really want to be completely honest about what that could look like: an imperfect routine, but a family navigating our way through real limits, hard days and moments of joy too.
Our days usually look like our girls waking up, and me barely waking up because I struggle with insomnia pretty badly. Our girls play while I have a shower because I don’t feel like I can even walk until I have a warm shower and do my physiotherapy stretches and exercises. Then I walk into our kitchen that usually has dirty dishes from the night before that I try to wash before making breakfast. Then depending on the day we either go to playgroup, go for a walk or go to the park but some days the pain is too much and I decide to stay home while the girls play in the backyard and I try to catch up on cleaning which ends up making the pain worse.
The Work Nobody Sees
There always seems to be a mountain of invisible work that just piles up, if I don’t write everything down I struggle to keep up with everybodies schedules. I have many GP appointments, physiotherapy and even just trying to schedule in time just for myself can be difficult. My husband who works and provides for our family is a very hard worker, he works while also trying to find ways to help me too. We have been working together to find when and how we can find the time to make sure we keep on top of the cooking and cleaning while also finding time for ourselves and as a couple too.
Parenting While Healing
My past trauma also affected my parenting in the past. Having PTSD flashbacks while just trying to play hide and seek with my daughter, or not disciplining in the right way in a moment my emotions are high and having to apologise to my daughters and explain to them I was wrong. I am learning how to regulate my own emotions while trying to regulate the emotions of a little person who has no idea why they feel the way they feel all while trying to drive or trying to get groceries or even just going to church was a major struggle. I always felt a sense of expectation from others that I had to do everything but I am learning that I do not have to keep up with everything, I am allowed to say no, and I do not have to do anything that will make me feel overwhelmed.
The Support I Needed
Noticing a major lack of help in modern society because family members work and study can be lonely. For a long time I haven’t had the community and support that is needed when raising children. When I had my babies myself and my husband did most of it alone. No meal train, no one coming to my house to just be there for me.
I did have one really good friend and she knows who she is, she helped. But most days and nights I was very lonely. And that is one big reason why I fell so deep into depression. I didn’t have the connections I needed.
Being expected to do it alone or send your kids off to people in a daycare centre you don’t even know if you can really trust feels so wrong to me. That is the issue I am seeing. Why send your kids off to daycare but then go home and have no one to connect with? I used to use daycare with my older daughter when I first had my younger daughter but I recognise now how wrong that was. I dropped her off at the daycare centre with her crying most days, and then went home with my younger baby alone with no one to talk to or connect with. Of course that will make you feel depressed.
Even if I went to playgroups I was surrounded by other mums who already knew each other and I didn’t feel like I connected with anyone. I would see other mums being supported by their mums and it would make me very aware of the lack of help I had.
I choose to not use daycare because I felt it created a lack of connection between my daughter and myself, it made me feel worse. I think it in a way almost separates families. For me, daycare didn’t solve the loneliness I was struggling with, and I didn’t feel it was the right choice for our family. That experience made me feel more isolated, and it wasn’t right for our family.
The Life I Hope To Build
I have big hopes for homeschooling, even though there are hard days and I struggle I absolutely am looking forward to it. I am already planning our schooling set up, I am preparing my older daughter who is almost 4 years old by teaching her everything and answering all of her questions about how bees make honey, how flies eat poop which she still thinks is a joke, and also teaching them how to make cupcakes.
I have been on the lookout for homeschooling groups so I will join other homeschooling families so my daughters definitely will be socialised, that will not be an issue for our family.
Our family is looking for a church where we will be supported. I will use tutors where necessary and will try my best to not expect it to be perfect.
I wish people wouldn’t compare mothers’ lives or minimize the work of a stay at home mum. I wish they’d ask what support would help.
I think what I am trying to convey is that I can love my life and what I do and still find parts of it painfully hard.
what support do you wish you had?
